Last week my good friend (Emily McCrary LOVE HER) asked me if I wanted to join her in running the Wilmington Battleship Half Marathon. I remember finishing this race last year thinking “Wow, I’m not sure I ever want to do that again,” so sure enough I told her I would love to. Last year I ran this race with bronchitis and no training…this year I didn’t have bronchitis and I had a whole cross country season under my belt, so certainly I could handle it.

I think one of the most rewarding experiences is spontaneously doing something you honestly don’t know if you can do and seeing the outcome. Spontaneity requires a certain amount of stupidity and alot of adrenaline.

The second the race started, I knew I was in for an awesome experience, my adrenaline was pumping, I was excited, and dang it I was wearing bright pink shoes! As I was running, I was caught off guard by my pace. I was running 7:00 minute miles. My original strategy was to run as fast as I could for as long as I could and hope that I didn’t die. Well, that strategy paid off. I found some random unsuspecting man to run with for the first half. He and I were hitting seven minute miles like it was our job. By mile 6 I was feeling fresh and excited, what an awesome experience. 

However, I am a mental runner. By mile 7, my mind was flooded with doubting thoughts. My mind flashed back to last year, when I literally wanted to die at mile 7 because I had no endurance, I had no concept of just how far 13 miles was. I became scared. For those who have never run a half marathon, try to understand just how daunting the thought is for one who, after running 7 miles, realizes they have 6 miles left to go. It’s no easy task, pay your respects. 

Back to my story…at mile seven I began to have doubting thoughts, and as a runner, thoughts are my biggest enemy. My body can handle running, the mind is my competitor. I immediately called to God and asked for help. Immediately God took control. In the midst of mile seven, when I was feeling defeated, my Jesus reminded me of all the victories He’s given me in the past year. All the obstacles I’ve overcome as well as the promises He’s fulfilled. From restoration of friendships to working with Vigilant Hope and inner-city children, to travelling to Uganda. God has not once let me down.

Last year at this time, I was not on the cross country team, I was recovering from severe anemia. I was broken not only physically but emotionally. I was awaiting whatever God had in store, but I was not hopeful. I was impatient, I was upset with God because my life was not going how I wanted it to. I felt defeated at this time last year, I felt that I was not living in the promises God had for me.

This year is different. This year I am a new creation in Christ. I’m not where I want to be but dang it I’m getting there. God has fulfilled His promises in my life. God has changed my perspective. Since going to Uganda, God has shown me just how great and strong and powerful He is. Just how loving and beautiful He is. Just how able He is.

In the midst of mile seven, God reminded me that He is good and He is able. I may not be able to complete a half marathon quickly, but He is my strength, He is the one who moves my legs, who causes all of my muscles and blood and oxygen to work together to propel my body forward.

As I wipe away tears in the midst of mile seven (yes, I cried), I realize just how small I am and how great He is. 

I completed the half marathon in 1:33 (1 hour 33 minutes) aka 10 minutes faster than last year. I only fell off pace for miles 11 and 12. I felt no pain (until I was done). What an amazing experience, I’m more than ready for a full marathon.

Looks to me like spontaneity pays off.

Tonight God and I had a date. And it was a really good one. I have recently become aware of the fact I am restless. Maybe going to Uganda and awaking to reality is what did it to me. I’m convinced Uganda was simply a catalyst for a long-awaited change…but that’s for a different conversation. Tonight I just drove along and talked to God. I told Him my heart, I poured out my life before Him (as if He didn’t know) and got real with God. I know He knows my every move, thought, and desire. For some reason it just feels good to tell it to Him anyway. To practice my free will, to just go before my Jesus and bear all and let Him tell me His truth and remind me who He is. I really like those conversations. God is really good at keeping it real.

We sat there in my car for awhile. I told God I was tired of being apathetic. I was tired of complacency. God didn’t say live a complacent life, so I have no idea why I was. I have seen the goodness of God, I’ve seen miracles, people healed of terminal illness, people set free from bondage. I’ve seen the greatness of God which transcends all cultures, languages, and understanding yet I still fell into a state of apathy and complacency. Why? Because that’s who we are and what we do as humans. It’s so easy to forget who God is, because He’s so much greater than us, so we make sense of Him by making Him make sense. 

It’s time to stop. Time to embrace who He is and what His reality is. God reminded me that He is good. He is really really good, and there’s nothing we can do to change that. He reminded me that He is adventure. My complacency is the thing keeping me from His adventure, He Himself is not with-holding anything from me. 

I can stay going in my same direction if I want, but that gets me nowhere. The world can totally give me happiness, but God gives me joy. The world can give me anxiety but my Jesus gives me peace, the world promises lust but God is love. There are so many things in life that seem good, that make complacency seem like an ok mind-set. The problem is, I don’t just want ok and I wasn’t created with a spirit of apathy. I was created to love and be loved, to live an adventure. To show others adventure, to remind others what goodness is. I was created to live.

[[Sidenote]]: I’m home from Uganda. There’s so much to share from that experience, some will end up being blogged about, but most of it is better in a coffee-shop-convo situation. My life will never be the same, and I’m ok with that.

I’M FINALLY GOING! It’s time, that moment I’ve been waiting for for oh I don’t know SEVEN YEARS! I’m beyond excited. 

I went home this weekend for a brief 24 hour visit and I think that was one of the best decisions I have almost ever made (whoa, big statement). While I was there, my sister’s friend Tracy was visiting. Tracy is a missionary in Mozambique and was home in the states for a short amount of time and during that short amount of time she came to visit our house at the same time I was home. Coincidence? I think not. Kimberly went to Mozambique this summer with Tracy and had a LIFE-CHANGING experience. I gained a glimpse into the life Kimberly had this weekend.

Honestly, sitting and having a meal with Tracy and just hearing her speak was comparable to eating dinner with modern-day Paul of the Bible. Homegirl’s life was (and is) INTENSE. She has faced millions of trials, deadly snakes, terrorists, diseases, foreign government opposition, personal issues, jail, kidnappings, you name it she’s experienced it. Her life is crazy yet in the midst of the craziness God has transformed lives. Tracy’s focus wasn’t just on salvation of souls, it was on bringing heaven to Earth.

Life, Christianity is not about just the salvation of souls. Salvation was a free gift, it’s been given, yes receiving it is so so important and wonderful, but that is not where the story or call was intended to stop. Christianity is about living out heaven, the Bible, true reality, on Earth. Christianity is about the freedom to live the life God created us to live and lead others to that same freedom and power. Jesus said we will accomplish even greater things in this life than He did (let’s be real, He did some crazy junk) and He promises to be in that awesomeness with us. Oh shoot!

Going to Uganda is going to be an incredible experience, a humbling experience. I don’t know what to do, what to expect, or how I will handle it. But I do know how I’m supposed to live and who I am in Christ, and I know His faithfulness. I know God promises good to those who love him, and I’m SO STOKED to see the good that will be done through all of us, in all of us, and in the people we encounter while in Uganda.

Hollaback for an adventure.

 I’m finally able to TAKE A BREATH! I feel like I have been going, going, going. These past few weeks have been jam-packed with life, but amazing things that I am super passionate about. The only downside (?) though is that I have not really had the chance to actually focus on Africa.

It is a bizarre feeling to know I will be in Africa in one week. Uganda marks the marriage of God’s dreams and my reality. So you can see how I obviously am having some processing difficulties, what a big deal!

I was talking to a friend tonight who mentioned he just feels he is constantly in a state of waiting. I can relate completely. For many segments in my life I feel I am simply waiting for the next step…waiting to GO and DO while overlooking the present action taking place. For example, I feel like I have been waiting for something big to happen in my life for the past few years. However, if I look back on the past YEAR, I can see the hand of God moving in incredible ways at ridiculous speeds.

Within the past year I have been in then out of a relationship which broke and grew me in completely unexpected yet necessary ways (so overall, a positive win for the books). I worked for a non-profit (Vigilant Hope). For the past 4 years I said one of my dreams was to work with inner-city youth through a non-profit. Thank the Lord for the ever-so wonderful Daniel and Hannah Walters who have had an immense impact on my life in just a few months!

Now, I am going to Lagutu, Uganda. I have only wanted to go here for 7 years. I have only wanted to GO and DO missions oversees in Africa for MY ENTIRE LIFE. I have only WAITED for this moment for forever, and what has God done? He has honored my wait. Why? Because He is a God of promises who keeps His word and honors our patience. 

It is so easy to be complacent, to become bored, to become blind to the fact we are constantly doing, changing, and becoming. When you sit there and try to see the big picture being lived out in each day, you will inevitably become discouraged. The big picture is made up of so many details. Each day goes together to form the story. Each day, each detail, has a very specific purpose. The boring times, the slow times, the depressing times, the breaking times, the moving times, the changing times, the joyous times, the super crazy times ALL have significance.

One year ago I thought I was stuck in a phase of waiting. I thought I was stagnant. I was discouraged. This was one of the most trying years, full of some of the most breaking times, yet with the greatest downfalls come the greatest victories. This time last year I had NO IDEA I would be living out some of my greatest passions and dreams. 

Life is funny and completely unpredictable…embrace it.

I don’t think I’m mentally or emotionally ready for Africa and I think that’s ok. I think one of the most humbling positions we can be in is out of control and unprepared. 

Whenever I take a moment to think about and try to imagine going to Uganda (what it’ll be like, who I’ll meet, what I will see, how I will feel) my mind just goes blank. The closer I get to the trip, the less I can imagine. I don’t know if that is just my mind’s way of being able to process everything (take it all in, process it later) or if that is God keeping me from setting expectations. (I’m going with D, all of the above).

When I set expectations, I try my absolute hardest to make them come true. I put myself in the position of power and I try to control the outcome of situations. That’s not how life works. When I’m in control, I ultimately fail, or if I don’t fail I find myself completely empty and unsatisfied.

Going to Uganda will be the point of my seemingly unattainable dream becoming a reality. So you can imagine why it feels so surreal to me that I am finally going (dream becoming reality…oh hey “Inception”). Significant life-change is about to happen and I am ready.

I’m excited, not apprehensive; expectant but not anxious. I was told to go to Uganda and just be. Dont expect, dont impose, just be. Embrace the culture, embrace the stories, live in the moment and let my heart and mind be reshaped and grown. I think I can do that. Yea, I’m going to face some pretty rough situations and hear really heartbreaking stories.I’m going to a war-torn, broken community. I don’t know how I will emotionally handle it, I’m sure I will break down crying multiple times. Likewise, I’m sure there will be infinite moments of laughter, joy and encouragement. 

More than anything, I’m just praying for life change on this trip. I’m praying for restoration, for freedom, for peace and healing. I’m praying for mental strength and toughness for myself and my team. I’m praying for softened hearts. I’m praying to have sensitivity and heightened understanding of the culture to which I’m going. I’m praying for immense growth. I’m praying for physical strength and endurance. I’m praying to be taken out of the picture. I don’t want to have anything to do with what happens on this trip with this team or in this community. The glory is not due to me but to my Jesus. 

I’m so humbled my Jesus is blessing me with this opportunity and I’m so thankful for his sovereignty and grace in all situations.

One of my frustrations I had last semester was I felt the church was lacking on really pouring into the people that were already there. I was feeling neglected. I was frustrated that the focus was on those not in church, I felt there was nobody pouring into the actual church family, I was feeling drained.

Understandable way to feel but completely not ok. Thank the Lord for His conviction and they understanding that comes with it.

What a selfish way for me to think first of all. I am not the only one in the church nor is this story of life all about me (although I really like to pretend I’m the main character.) Being a part of a church family goes both ways, being poured into and seeking out the food. One of those was happening and it was not the seeking. My leaders were pouring into me, I was not pursuing Christ myself, I was not taking on the responsibility of fostering that relationship. 

I acted like a child, I vent to God about it a little bit. He let me be silly, then He poured out some insight.

The church is called to live as a Body. We all have a specific function and purpose. We all have a specific role. Each part of the body belongs to the other.  (what up Romans 12) If that previous sentence is true, then we all lean on, encourage, pour into, and support each other. I am just as responsible for pouring into my friends’ lives and they into mine as the pastor is to mine. As the body, one of our main responsibilities is to encourage eachother in Christ. 

All summer I was so focused on returning to the “Body of Christ” mindset that I overlooked that fact. Lame. 

I really appreciate just how sovereign my God really is.

It’s interesting to see how my passions have become focused and utilized within the past 3 months. At the beginning of the summer my biggest prayer to God was for clarity. There is SO MUCH that goes on in my head, so many things I want to do and see, so many ways I think my life should turn out, so many possible outcomes. Within the past 3 months my life has become so focused, none of the focus being due to me. God has granted me the opportunity to work for a non-profit (read previous post). My heart has always been for the inner-city and that’s where my home was for 2 months. Hollaback.

Thing 2: Ever since my freshman year of high school I have had an insatiable desire to go to Lagutu, Uganda (that’s in Africa, my friends). My heart breaks repeatedly every time I hear stories from my friends who travel to Africa. When I see the face, the brokenness, the joy, the smiles of an African, my heart basically leaps out of my chest. My life’s desire is to straight up LOVE the hopeless and let them change me as well. In less than one month I will be going to Uganda for 2 weeks. Lagutu to be exact. I have no doubt in my mind that this will be one of the most life-changing experiences I will have (along with getting married, having kids, and oh yea, becoming famous.) I haven’t yet mentally comprehended the fact that I am going to Uganda. My mind is blown by the clarity and answers God has given me in my life.

Thing 3: I finally have focus…or at least more of it than I did…when it comes to my future. I always thought “Push push push, finish school, get to grad school, CONQUER THE WORLD” I still have those thoughts, but the anxious racing of thoughts has completely died down. I want to work with substance abuse victims, specifically teenagers. Teenagers are crazy but I love them, their passion for life, their confusion (aw, it’s ok), their energy. Teenagers are so impressionable yet I feel I actually have a voice worth listening to and I believe I’m supposed to speak it into their lives. 

There are many things God has begin to give me clarity on, from relationships to school to my future. But I find excitement in the fact that God withholds information from us alot. We aren’t supposed to always know what’s coming. We just must have the boldness to take the next step. To seek clarity and wisdom. To seek God’s heart in all situations. Then clarity comes, and life gets so much more complex and beautiful yet peaceful. I’m excited for what’s next.

This summer I had the opportunity to work for an incredible non-profit, Vigilant Hope, which is run by my dear friends and leaders Daniel and Hannah Walters. I lived in the urban community of Wilmington (yes, we have a ghetto) and formed some of the most incredible, life-changing relationships. Throughout the summer, we ran a kids camp in the morning through the local church for inner city children.

Listening to the stories of the children was an experience. Each day I would hear of a child who hasn’t seen his father in weeks, who’s mother is back in jail, who’s brother is on drugs again, who’s baby sister was taken away, who’s cousin was shot last night, who’s grandad was back in the hospital, who’s best friend got beat up again…you get what I’m saying? I grew up in a completely different environment, I had a mother and father who were present 100% of the time, who sacrificed their own lives half the time just to bless me, who provided for all of my needs. Never have I once gone through life wishing I were dead. I never once questioned if I would live to see the morning or if my parents would actually come home. Never once did I even suspect my parents to be on drugs. My dad tells me every night before I go to sleep that he is so proud of me and that he loves me. Yes, I know that’s rare and that makes me sad. Many times I found myself questioning why God had me working in this community. I grew up in a different world. What was my role?

I felt completely inadequate sometimes while other times I felt completely guilty. My home life is blessed, I can not complain. So why would God put me in this position? To share hope. God tells us constantly to have hope because it does not disappoint. But hope in what? His love. I know this is cliche and I really dont care…but love honestly never fails. I have never been in a situation with someone who is completely consumed by love and not see them win a victory. My role in the lives of the kids I helped tutor was to spread hope and constantly pour out incredible, life-changing love on them. That’s it. I’m not the Savior. It is not my responsibility to change their lives and rescue them from their situations (even though I desperately wish I could). God is a big God, He is able to rescue His children Himself. My role is to love, to give hope. People make choices and sometimes it is the wrong one. Sometimes kids are caught in the middle and have to serve the consequence. It happens and it sucks. My role is not to save someone.

My role is to give hope. Feeling guilty about the blessings I have is not the way I’m called to live. God blessed my childhood and home life for a reason…part of that reason being to learn what real love is. What it looks like. How to extend it to others. What hope really is. It is so easy to try to take on the role of the Savior. It’s so easy to try to be the healer, to rescue and restore the broken, to free the enslaved. It’s hard to admit we are not the savior, we never will be, we were never meant to be. But how freeing it is to truly understand and embrace the truth that Christ has already provided us with His freedom, we’re just called to live in it and let Him change lives Himself. I can handle that.

My life was changed in so many ways this summer through many unexpected people, perhaps the most influential of which being under 8 years old.

TOMS shoes has a new product launch: sunglasses. As the CEO was announcing this product, he said that TOMS is no longer a shoe company, no longer a sunglasses company, but a One for One company. You buy shoes from them, they give shoes to a child in need. You buy sunglasses from them, they provide sight for someone without. What a beautiful concept. I know people give TOMS crap because they think that shoes are too pricey and they ask “Well, where does all the money really go?” That’s a legit question, but I feel like that is not a battle worth fighting or a question worth pondering. Truth is, TOMS shoes gets it. The company understands that this life is not just for us, my life is not to be one self-centered, all-about-me love fest, my life, our lives as humans is so.much.more. 

So I started thinking. TOMS is a company using their resources to the best of their ability. They use their designer skills and relationships with people to their advantage in order to create a thriving, beneficial organization. I know other super inspirational people doing the same, for example, my sister. She is a BEAST at art. God has given her such a beautiful, unique, powerful imagination. He uses her art to reach so many people. I have seen so many people set free mentally and emotionally just through the stories and truth that her artwork displays. This month she is in Mozambique doing art therapy. She is there to paint murals in prisons, schools, and government offices. God uses her art in so many ways and I believe that her willingness to step out and use her talent for His glory will bring truth and hope into so many lives.

For the past year or so I have been analyzing the passions and talents God has given me. I am a unique individual, as we all are. I have specific passions in me that nobody else in this world has that God will use in unique ways to reach very specific people. That blows my mind and honestly I cannot comprehend how specific God is. My passion is studying the human mind. NO I DO NOT WANT TO BE A SHRINK. I absolutely love to understand people. I seek to understand and form very personal relationships with people because people fascinate me and inspire me for many reasons. God has created so many amazing people and I absolutely thrive off of personal relationships with others.

So how do I use my passion for good? I have learned through the past 6 years, through many encounters and relationships formed with drug addicts, alcoholics, depressed, angry, anxious, and just completely broken people, that everyone desires to know and be known. When you take the time to listen to someone’s story, they take the time to tell you. Then they take the time to listen to you, and your story, and your experiences, and your advice, and your prayers. Then eventually you both reach a moment of complete truth and beauty in which you both realize you’re human, you have struggles, but your struggles don’t define you. You are not stuck in your problem. Through countless conversations God has shown me that through my relationships with others and my passion to know them, He will set them free. My passion is not in me without a purpose. My passion is in me to be used by God in completely powerful ways to set people free. All I’m supposed to do is be willing to let God use me. Fair enough, I can do that.

So about a month ago I won a free 2 month membership to Crossfit. For those of you who don’t know, Crossfit is an INTENSE workout routine that, by 2012, will be the training schedule used at bootcamp to get marines into shape. No big deal.

Crossfit combines cardio, strength, speed and agility into a nice, wholesome workout routine that is sure to get one into shape. However, as I researched Crossfit, I discovered the only 2 things people could think to relate it to were p90x and bootcamp. Oh ok, now I’m scared. 

My dad won a membership as well so at least I was not going to enter this torturous phase of life by myself. Therefore, last Thursday the two of us, being the probably not sane 2 that we are, decided to begin 2 months of Crossfit. Hello pulled muscles.

The first experience was actually not horrible. Our warmup consisted of 2 sets of pushups, situps, squats, reverse crunches, and handstands. Yes, that’s right, handstands. For those who know me, I AM NOT A GYMNAST. I am not flexible, and I am not skilled. Picture this:

Trainer man tells me “Now do a handstand for 10 secs. against this wall.” Simple yea? Maybe for gymnast boy beside me, but not me. I still try, because in my mind I could very well be a gymnast if I put my mind to it! So first I get on my hands and attempt to kick up on the wall. FAIL. I end up doing a summersault to the side of the wall and laying there. Ok, next time will work. I decide to start standing and do a cartwheel INTO the wall and land in a handstand. Again, FAIL. I SMACK the wall so hard, land flat on my back, knock my head so hard I think I’m dead, and just lay there hopelessly like a slug. Moral of the story, handstands aren’t for me. The trainer just took those out of my schedule for the rest of the summer…or so he says!

The rest of the workout flowed smoothly, full of situps and walking lunges, lots and lots and lots of them. The next workout consisted of more pull-ups and hang-cleans than I have ever done in my life.

As tough as Crossfit is, I am so stoked to be doing it and so thankful for my free 2 months. I feel that this experience will not only strengthen me physically (duh let’s be real.) but also mentally. I will learn how to push my limit more than I ever have before, with the support and help of my trainer, dad, and the other victims who have taken on this journey with me. Stay tuned faithful readers, I will keep you updated on this summer adventure!